Reno 911

I don't know how people feel about "Reno 911" but I think its funny. I found some quotes and here are some of my favorites.

[Wiegel may be dating a serial killer]
Deputy S. Jones: Do I think Craig is the Truckie River Killer... yeah.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Yeah... and it's the best she's gonna do.
Deputy S. Jones: Yeah.


Lt. Jim Dangle: [performing an anti-crystal meth song for a class of kids] You can monkey with a gibbon, You can fiddle with a bow / But before you snort that crystal meth, there's some things that you should know / Meth is made from antihistamines, in basement labs it's cooked / And possession is a felony, which means that you'll get booked / With a snort it zips right up your nose, and eats away your brain / It kills your sense of good and evil, and it makes you go insane / Here we go... / So don't meth with meth, Beth / Don't meth with meth, Seth / Don't meth with meth... Gwyneth / Don't meth with crystal meth! [pause]
Lt. Jim Dangle: Any questions? We do have about 45 minutes left... any requests? I know some Rush... a little bit of Floyd.


Kevin the Sex Offender: Morning, my name's Kevin Darling, I'm moving in next door, just thought I'd come by and tell you a little bit about myself. I'm, uh, divorced... in between jobs, somewhat of a foodie, convicted sex offender, I, I, I play chess not very well...
Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, back up to the...
Kevin the Sex Offender: The other thing?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Yeah, that's right.
Kevin the Sex Offender: I am a foodie, and so I cook a lot.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be cute, Kevin.
Kevin the Sex Offender: I am a convicted sex offender. Whatever that means.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: What that means, ma'am, is you've got a pervert living in your neighborhood.


Lt. Jim Dangle: [directing traffic school] This is where we would normally be showing you an educational movie, "Blood On The Highway".
Deputy Travis Junior: But instead, we've got a treat in store for you.
Lt. Jim Dangle: [holding up a video tape] Instead, we're going to watch Smokey And The Bandit!

Deputy Travis Junior: And there will be a test!




Deputy Clementine Johnson: [after a suspect drives off with a police car] We are screwed! We are screwed!
Deputy Williams: We gonna say he tried to rape us. We gonna lie, we gonna say he tried to rape us. He attacked us.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: He took it out.
Deputy Williams: He tried to... [looks at the camera]
Deputy Williams: Give us the tape.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Hand over the tape. [the cameraman runs away]
Deputy Williams: Give us that tape!
Deputy Clementine Johnson: I will cut you!


Deputy Travis Junior: Who's Garcia's partner today?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Not it.
Deputy Travis Junior: Not it.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Not it.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Trudy.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What'd I win?
Lt. Jim Dangle: You're with Garcia today.


[Wiegel and Johnson must round up perps to fill a prison cell for the taping of Rev. LeCarp's show]
Deputy Clementine Johnson: We should go down to Hooker Heaven and see if we can round up some girls there.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Is that the new bagel place?