Doormat!

I don't have any other outlet to vent my frustration with so many things so I'm blogging. I'd given it up because frankly I wouldn't want to read this crap if I was someone else so this entry is just for me. It's a new year so I'm taking things into my own hands. I'm not going to let people walk all over me and just take it because I don't think I'm worth anything. I am worth something. I'm not much but I'm something. I'm human I make mistakes I do all that stuff. So what's the deal with the change? Other than realizing that living my life the way I used to was getting no where I learned something about people. I made a MISTAKE but on the other hand the person should have been honest with me. I don't want to use names on the OFF chance that someone somewhere that knows this person might read it. A while back someone told me that they were sick with HIV. I'm not scared of HIV, I've known people with it and they live long lives. However, if it is going to put me at risk let me know. Don't be afraid to tell me. I should know right? I mean it's the decent thing to do. Don't tell me you have it then tell me you don't and then I learn that you do. Just be honest. I never wanted anything but the truth and my not telling me the truth you're disrespecting me. I asked the person point blank and they said no. They lied. People lie all the time out of fear and I know that's why this particular person lied to me but it doesn't change my opinion of the person because they have a disease. Yeah I've probably never been 100% honest with this person either but it was over dumb shit. Not something like this. I would NEVER play with people like that and until this person tells me otherwise I'm going to feel played. I should totally be telling this to the person but at the moment I can't think of a way to approach it without hurting them. I'm just so angry. I just wanted honesty and for you to ignore that hurts more than you could know. I love this person to death I really do but I thought that when it comes to things like this you wouldn't lie to the ones you love. I guess you didn't really care about me because if you did you wouldn't have done what you did. I'm sorry this is going into way more detail than I had planned but like I said I have no other outlet. I just want truth. I know that's a lot to ask but considering who I am I think it would be safe to say that I would accept you for who you are and nothing else. I was ok with it when you originally told me. It has to be scary and what's even scarier is that you don't have anyone else to talk to about it. I've had people in my family that have had this disease. I know how it's transmitted I know how to be safe. I would never think of someone less because of a disease. For you to obviously think I would hurts me more than you not being honest with me. I'm so upset right now....I don't even know what I'm doing. I just wanted to be there for you and you continually push me away and lie. I can't deal with that. The good thing to come out of this is that it forced me to realize that I'm not a doormat. I deserve better than that.